Dear Maeve

Dear Maeve,

After two years of having you warmly pressed against me all night, nursing as you please, I have decided that it must come to an end. I'm not a very nice person when I don't get good sleep, and I really haven't had good sleep in over four years, so that should serve as an excellent excuse to be a complete bitch all of the time. But how healthy is that? Do you want a bitchy mother who snuggles with you at night or a pleasant mother who sleeps alone and could make snow angels in the bed if she wants?




So being that you are two and are incapable of making logical decisions, your daddy and I made it for you. I would sleep in the big comfy king bed with Max while daddy sleeps in the much less comfy double bed with you. Daddy would like to state for the record that he wants to get back in the big comfy bed with mommy, but I told him that we need to focus on making my snow angels first.

On that first night of you in the other bed, I was anxious, distraught, and guilty. I thought it would look like this:




I thought no one would get any sleep. I thought you would cry out for me. I thought you'd ask to nurse, the only way you knew to comfort yourself since the day you were born. I felt sick from the anticipation of it. I put you to sleep like we normally do, lying down in bed nursing you. But then I left and daddy took my place. He fit almost as perfectly as I do nestled beside you. You slept. I thought for sure that daddy would bring you to me in the big, comfy bed in the middle of the night, but he didn't. I tossed and turned. I missed my baby. Dare I say you were more a little girl on that night than a baby. You were finding comfort in something else other than your mother's breast.

At about 5 o'clock am, I couldn't resist any longer. I crept out of bed to peek on you. And this is what I saw:



And this is the part where I'm a little ashamed. In that moment, I just wasn't ready for you to be my little girl. I wanted my baby in my bed. So I snatched you up and moved us back to the big, comfy bed. I won't do it again. I just wanted to do it that one last time. I'm happy that you are secure enough to sleep without me. I just hope I'm secure enough to sleep without you.

Because sometimes making snow angels can get cold and lonely.

I love you, sweet girl, and I'm proud of you for making this transition so well.




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